You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
