i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
