Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
