I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I cut my penus on the lid.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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