Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
