...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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