So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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