in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
