last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
