you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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