dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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