Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
