Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
