here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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