dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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