there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
