after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
As shirtless as possible
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
