this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
