Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
