I skipped work to stalk him.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
