I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
