Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
