I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
