i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
