Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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