Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
