when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
