Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My cat gives me a boner
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
