Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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