I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
