You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
