Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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