Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just want to make out with him forever
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
