Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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