i think my mom watched the whole time
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
