I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize