Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
