had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
