Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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