i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
