I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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