Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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