My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
zippers are such a cool invention
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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