So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
