Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
