god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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