I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize