It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
