In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
