how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
