I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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