i think my tv is drunk
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
