Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
