3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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