Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
