Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
