and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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