I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
