I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
