1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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