Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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