I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
