You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize