I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
