No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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